Mixup
by ilexx
Summary: S 4. Set during Conduit to Destiny. Beka starting to feel the influence of the Abyss.


Andromeda doesn't belong to me.

Beka right after Tyr's death, sometime during the second half of Conduit to destiny. S 4.

Mix-up 

Something isn't right. Something is wrong. This! This is wrong. All of it is wrong. Or at least something very important is wrong. Someone... some... thing is closing in on us. On me. Something is pulling at us, at me – and you don't even notice.

Why are we here? This planet is bad, as bad as they get, lost in ancient riddles and misery and pain. Why did it become accepted into the Commonwealth? I thought that the Commonwealth was supposed to set high standards, to prevent people from being abused, oppressed, hurt. Well, it's doing one hell of a job on that here, doesn't it?

This guy, Patrius, he's bad news. He's... wrong, something here is wrong, we're lost, I'm lost and I can't tell you, because you're lost, too. You're lost in some... memories... nightmares... something from before we met... before the Fall. I don't know. I don't understand! Why are we here?

Yes, I know, I know – because I missed a decision point. It didn't bother you. Why didn't it bother you? You laughed, you joked about it. I missed a decision point in slipstream. Can't you see how wrong this is, how wrong this feels? Ah, but you do, don't you? Of course you do. You always do. Ever since Tyr left you see that things are wrong -–and you think they're wrong because of me. You think because he wronged you, that I will wrong you, too. You're observing me, scrutinising me, trying to keep me on a leash, holding on to me tighter and tighter every day, afraid that I might slip away from under your control.

Down there in the sewer you wanted me instead of Trance to go with you. You would have started an argument had I not refused so categorically. You wanted me with you because you don't trust me to not screw up when you're not around, because you're only waiting for me to make yet another mistake, to prove you right on your expectations that I too will stab you in the back.

You don't tell me. No, of course you don't tell me, you'd never tell me, but under the surface I can see that you've lost faith in me. I could see it when you let me go to Tyr, when I couldn't get us through the Route of Ages on time, when you had to rely on Trance to save us.

Why? When have I ever given you reason to doubt me? When did I ever not do exactly what you expected of me, beyond all friendship, beyond loyalty and well beyond the call of duty? So why do you look at me as if nothing I do is right anymore? What do you want from me? What do you expect me to do? Why do you watch me like a hawk, as if you were waiting to see me fall apart in front of you?

Stop it! You have to stop this! I am suffocating under your constant surveillance. I am sorry if I don't meet your expectation, but you know what? I am tired. I am sick and tired of always being what and how you want me to be. I am not you! I'm me. **Me**! And I am losing myself under this permanent pressure of walking in your shoes. I've spent years becoming, you. And then ve spent some more years being you. But it's not working. It's not working! I don't want this anymore. I want to be me again. I **need** to be me! If you can't see this, then I'd better be out of here.

I wasted too much time on you already. And I'm running out of time. I don't know why, and why so fast... But I am running out of time and I can't bear to see one more second of my life wasted. It started when Tyr left. I should have gone then, too. But I stayed. Do you want to know why? I stayed because you asked. Why did you ask if you didn't want me?

I'm becoming... numb – and at the same time more sensitive, more aware of everything. I know it doesn't make sense. Losing oneself never does. I know that my failures disappoint you. That you don't understand. That you don't even notice that I'm drowning here in this maelstrom you set in motion. And that you're growing tired of standing by my side.

But you promised! You promised! And I've grown accustomed to you staying true to your word. And now that you don't... I don't know where, who to turn to. I used to sense you, feel you close. But ever since you killed Tyr there is but emptiness around me. As if you're gone too. Where are you? Where did you go? Why can't I feel you anymore?

Something is wrong. What are we doing here? What do you want here? Repentence? Absolution? For what? From whom? Siara? Me? What-for? For Tyr? I can't give you that. You failed him, just like you think I fail you. Just like you think he failed you. Just like I failed him. Just like we all failed him. Failed to keep him with us, failed to keep him safe. Like you failed Siara.

I'm not you. You are me. Tell me, how does it feel to stand in front of someone so disappointed in you?


End file.
